Last night the town sheriff knocked on my door to serve papers to my mom, again.
I miss N when I have no one to call and tell these stories to.
this is my life now- late night knocks to remind me that I once had two people as the excuse for my existence.

Jealously breeds attraction

Late night digressions

Last night I did something stupid.
Really stupid.
I searched online for Nico.
And he has a Myspace
and he's moved to CA
and I spent the whole night crying
because I miss him
and as terrified as I am of ever running into him again
there was comfort in knowing that I could-
a comfort which is now gone.

and I'm too scared to write him
every time I think about it I remember
Val writing him that note and how he
told everyone and how it didn't make a shit
of a difference.

Anyway
so he's gone now
which would explain why I was thinking about him so much
I guess I knew
and I guess I still hate knowing.
I just wish there was someone who could give me the perfect advice
on what to do right now and not when it doesnt matter anymore.



kopeck-

I am going to write this letter like you're right here and I'm talking to you
and I'm going to write it without stopping so I don't lose the nerve again.
Do I ever pop into your head when you least expect it?
If I do then maybe we should talk
because I think I'm finally ready to at least talk
that is, if you're willing to see me again.
Or maybe this whole thing is stupid and pointless and you just don't care anymore
but for me it's hard to think that its like this.
i dont know why
and i cant exactly put it into words
but it feels wrong
to miss you and not tell you

-ska

Last night

Jeff: do you still like your ex bf?
Me: No.
Jeff: are you sure?
Me: I haven't seen him or talked to him in 3yrs, now wouldn't it be silly to still like him?
Jeff: okay, cool.

hey, he didn't say 'love' or 'lust after' and whole countries have been built on technicalities, so fuck you.

anyway, I think we're going to break up next weekend when he comes home because he wants me to be some kind of gf that I;m not, even though I'm trying to be the kind of gf he wants me to be, apparently that's not it either.

oh yea, and I'm still infatuated with my ex bf, which isn't Jeff, so that's my side of things.

I'm crying and i'm typing and i'm lying again.

Sometimes it's nothing, sometimes i really just feel sad without any cause and i have a little cry

but there are no "little cries" in my house, and "if you don't know WHY you're crying it's because you're not in touch with your feelinsg and therefore i've failed as a mother if i haven't at least been able to give you that" my mom will yell as she flips out.

but sometimes its not you mom, sometimes its me, just me, and just the nothing that i dont feel about anything, ever.

On sun night Jeff compared having sex with me to eating gourmet food after a lifetime of McDonald's.
The irony? I work in a gourmet food market.

I wish nico- no, i refuse to go there.

I AM NOT THAT WEAK.

Jeff gave me a tiffany's heart necklace for my bday- really freaking pretty-


Elsa Peretti® OPEN HEART pendant, mini. Platinum, 16" long. Original designs copyrighted by Elsa Peretti.
$725





and on the way back to school he kept sending me text messages telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me.

But somehow i'm still wickedly indifferent to it being anybody but you.

How can you stand there and watch this
scene, I HATE YOU FOR LIKING ME.