Get rich or die trying

don't want to be alone, but I cannot figure out how to be with the one I want. Things have changed, and now I cannot go home. Not without something to prove something to everyone. I want to change, but won't, because people dont. Not really not ever.

I have regrets. I regret the abortion. I regret not telling my mom or family because my brother and his gf were having a baby that was only about a month farther along. And I dont know how to leave Raph now, not even after he commented on my inability to lose the baby weight, not even after I stopped eating to get ride of it. I dont know how to move anymore.

"with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol & cock & endless balls, incomparable blind; streets of shuddering cloud & lightning"Ginsberg

I am moving to Boston because sometimes it is easier to leave than live around people who erase you as insincere. Tootles everyone, especially you, Mr. Ryan Wyld.

breakneck speed

Sometimes you fall in and out of love with your bestfriend.

But I fell in love and he, he changed his mind. Then I wrote a love letter. I said I was sorry for the way I was, for how I've become out of a fullbodied desire not to be myself or here anymore. How I don't think I will ever be perfect enough for anyone to stay for, to want, with all the forest fires in my head. And he said...nothing. I didn't want this to stop. So I wait. I wait and am afraid of hope so I think about wanting to have enough guts to hope, but don't. I avoid the disppointment that I assume my life will wrought on itself.

Tuesday I tripped on shrooms and tried to literly rip my face off in a bar mirror downtown as tress and spiders and words climbed out the sides of my cheeks. It's a shame. The broken blood vessels will be a reminder, for the next three months, that the only thing you have left after you do everything that you think you want to do is consequences.

Oh, and I am a pretty good waitress.

Merry Xmas

I miss Colin Cooney Cooper.

Joker and clown

My head spins spins spins with thoughts. everytime i see him i get so mad, and when i dont see him i dream, dream about kissing those lips and skin against skin - this and that- the sound of his voice and my voice and voices. But i cannot keep second guessing myself, i just cant do that anymore.



sentimentalism is ruining my life.

Keep fallin by ~soheir on deviantART

Paul Allyn

So, I was seeing this guy named Paul Allyn for three weeks.
We went out drinking everynight and he told his friends i was "his girl"
and kissed me in front of them, his cousins, and his uncle.
He met my brother, my friends, my coeworkers. We madeout in every bar in westerly, pawcatuck and mystic.
He "gushed" about me to some girls he works with at the andria.
Told his friends he really liked me and wanted to not just hit it and quit it.

and then 3 weeks into it we got drunk at a party and he followed me to where i was sleeping (uninvited) and we had sex.

I woke up drunk the next morning to him holding me and kissing me and then we got out of bed and realized i got my period. After giving me a kiss goodbye he left and then he freaked out and stopped talking to me except when i texted him and decided that i was more into him than he was into me and thought that the best way to handle that was to bring a girl i work with to the bar i invited him to and hook up with her right in front of me.

I lost my shit. Not in front of him, i walked to the empty parking lot because our friends are dating and i texted the girl i work with that he "fucked me last week. he wont call you after." and then i texted him and i said "I work with that girl, thats not okay dude" he texted me back "huh? whats not okay?" and I told him that "i've been pretending this is okay for tommy and traceys sake but its not okay and you're being wicked disrespectful". I cired until 3am when Jeff the bouncer got off shift and came and got me off the parking lot ground and carried me to my front door. I lost my shit. I fully lost my shit.

I was heartbroken all sunday and I could barely work. I kept going into the bathroom and sitting on the floor and feeling sick to the depth of my bones. And then that night Paul brought the girl back to the bar when he knew i'd be there (like i am every sunday, like i took him to every sunday). He was all over her like he was with me a week earlier. it makes me sick. and the only person that had my back was erin, who got to the bar first, called me and told me to go home and ripped Paul a new one and told Aly what he had done with me. So then Paul sent me a transparent apoligy saying it would be a shame to lose our friendship over this, because i was a good time.

i am nobodys cheap good time.

Bitters

My hands reak of bleach from work, tomorrow I will find her clothes and the smell will come back.

I will show her what it feels like to have another bitch destroy your property.


This will change nothing between she and I, but it will change everything about who I am.





COLIN MOVED ANOTHER GIRL INTO HIS APT AND FUCKED HER.


I feel sad and angry and tilted.

but mostly hurt, so very hurt.

Magically, this didn't stop you from completely unziping every fragment I had left.

I've spent the majority of my life lying about the reality of things,

You were the one place in my life I was completely honest,









Unfortunetly you weren't.

colin fucked Marlenna. Meanwhile I fucked him without a condom. oh and we were still dating.


i am beside myself.


He keeps calling me and i wont pickup.

These are not the kind of relationships i have.

i cant forgive him and i cant stop crying.


I paid two of his friends to change the lock on his bedroom door
, it was worth the 50$. But it doesnt change what he's done, or whats happended.

time is unchangable.