Joker and clown

My head spins spins spins with thoughts. everytime i see him i get so mad, and when i dont see him i dream, dream about kissing those lips and skin against skin - this and that- the sound of his voice and my voice and voices. But i cannot keep second guessing myself, i just cant do that anymore.



sentimentalism is ruining my life.

Keep fallin by ~soheir on deviantART

Paul Allyn

So, I was seeing this guy named Paul Allyn for three weeks.
We went out drinking everynight and he told his friends i was "his girl"
and kissed me in front of them, his cousins, and his uncle.
He met my brother, my friends, my coeworkers. We madeout in every bar in westerly, pawcatuck and mystic.
He "gushed" about me to some girls he works with at the andria.
Told his friends he really liked me and wanted to not just hit it and quit it.

and then 3 weeks into it we got drunk at a party and he followed me to where i was sleeping (uninvited) and we had sex.

I woke up drunk the next morning to him holding me and kissing me and then we got out of bed and realized i got my period. After giving me a kiss goodbye he left and then he freaked out and stopped talking to me except when i texted him and decided that i was more into him than he was into me and thought that the best way to handle that was to bring a girl i work with to the bar i invited him to and hook up with her right in front of me.

I lost my shit. Not in front of him, i walked to the empty parking lot because our friends are dating and i texted the girl i work with that he "fucked me last week. he wont call you after." and then i texted him and i said "I work with that girl, thats not okay dude" he texted me back "huh? whats not okay?" and I told him that "i've been pretending this is okay for tommy and traceys sake but its not okay and you're being wicked disrespectful". I cired until 3am when Jeff the bouncer got off shift and came and got me off the parking lot ground and carried me to my front door. I lost my shit. I fully lost my shit.

I was heartbroken all sunday and I could barely work. I kept going into the bathroom and sitting on the floor and feeling sick to the depth of my bones. And then that night Paul brought the girl back to the bar when he knew i'd be there (like i am every sunday, like i took him to every sunday). He was all over her like he was with me a week earlier. it makes me sick. and the only person that had my back was erin, who got to the bar first, called me and told me to go home and ripped Paul a new one and told Aly what he had done with me. So then Paul sent me a transparent apoligy saying it would be a shame to lose our friendship over this, because i was a good time.

i am nobodys cheap good time.

Bitters

My hands reak of bleach from work, tomorrow I will find her clothes and the smell will come back.

I will show her what it feels like to have another bitch destroy your property.


This will change nothing between she and I, but it will change everything about who I am.





COLIN MOVED ANOTHER GIRL INTO HIS APT AND FUCKED HER.


I feel sad and angry and tilted.

but mostly hurt, so very hurt.

Magically, this didn't stop you from completely unziping every fragment I had left.

I've spent the majority of my life lying about the reality of things,

You were the one place in my life I was completely honest,









Unfortunetly you weren't.

colin fucked Marlenna. Meanwhile I fucked him without a condom. oh and we were still dating.


i am beside myself.


He keeps calling me and i wont pickup.

These are not the kind of relationships i have.

i cant forgive him and i cant stop crying.


I paid two of his friends to change the lock on his bedroom door
, it was worth the 50$. But it doesnt change what he's done, or whats happended.

time is unchangable.

i want everything not to hurt and not to be second guesses anymore.





i dont want it.

I am so over this bullshit.


Colin has another girl sleeping in his bed, a girl that is known for sleeping around and cant understand why i am not happy with him. It was one thing when she was just freeloading cuz she didnt want to pay rent, but its a completely different story when there is another bed and a couch for her skank ass to be on.

I am going to be 23, more than i am right now, on wed.


AND I CAN'T GET NICO OUT OF MY HEAD. Like blood and cells and ginger ale he floats around in there until he's apart of everything that he shouldn't be. And i miss my cat, but if i don't sleep i wont cry so i don't sleep even though its been weeks and everything feels like ice cubes and fuzzy and far away nothing. Evrything is nothing and the meanings dead. It trys to struggle for life through digits - money and time- but it is not strong enough for me anymore. not real. realness is dead, dead like ashes after cremation, or maybe even more so. I dated you and you and you and we flirted for a brief time that I won't remember except for bragging rights or fleeting moments of dying embarresment because you were never good enough for who i am supposed to be, the supposed to be that other people see and feel and percieve like air molocules drifting past lazely in front of my removed exsitance, knowing i wont lift a finger to catch them. nothing. not an ounce or a gram of movement. why is the only reasoning that i have anymore. and fear that would cripple if i could feel it, partnering in a silent movie where i think we might have a future together but you tell me every day that we wont, and i pretend you didnt because i dont hear you say the exact words Colin.

I am no longer worried about making the wrong choices, as i have already made them.

My life.

In order to copy something, it is at times, necessary to trace line of the original design. However, in the case of a creation that is 3D, sometimes the best you can do is to try and capture its' essence, by examing lines as they appear to the eye.