N-

These days i get a more violent pang of longing when i see BR than when i think about you. This is something i've trained myself to do; displace my affection onto someone who doesn't deserve it in order to feel personal misery each and every day. Do you know that these boys are not you, and that not being you is their one enternal flaw? I wonder if you find that all the girls are not me, and that this information somehow ruins them for you. These boys are not you and their cars are not your car and their eyes are not your eyes and their hands are not your hands and their souls are not your soul and they are just not you at all- not you because they can't kill two of my heartbeats with one look- or one word. These boys can't get to me like you used to get to me. You know this though. You know it all like i know it all.

Last night i spilled coffee all over Gin's friend jeff's italian imported couch. I then rubbed it deeper into the leather in an attempt to clean it up with my hand. Being drunk isn't as fun as being in love.


I am tired of boys who only laugh to make you like them.

i've learned that a person doesn't have to be rich to be a spoiled brat....

...to need to have everything their way or else.
To feel entitled to things that aren't theirs.... like me.
I am not for sale.
Nobody is entitled to have me unless they treat me well.


some letters for the general public.

Dear BR,

The 90's called and they'd like their last cheap polyester suit back when you're done playing dressup with it.


Dear N,

Maybe the reason why i wont talk to you is because i have nothing more to say to you.
Ever again.


Dear Dad,

Sorry for looking away when you i saw you looking at me from across the CVS parking lot. I just recently came to the realization that you're not a good person, at all, and I was trying to avoid sharing this revelation with you face to face.

in search of a lost hate: Germany's pull on my subconcious

The problems begin as soon as i start thinking about everything too deeply, giving it all too much thought and consideration. Because I start thinking about what he said, and that makes me want to cry.

When i think about what he said to me- HOW he said these things to me- i feel feelings that make me want to pull my skin off. I feel things inside that make me want to reach down my own throat and rip out all the organs that are affected. Organs that are infected by the poison that he carefully planned and sucessfully planted in me. And so i want to go to Germany and see where this ablity came from and then rid myself of its damage before i come home.