Topaz died this morning some time before i went to work.


I don't feel much of anything about anything anymore.

Notes about not much.

As I frantically make sure that I'll be set for 10 something days in Germany by cleaning and saying my good-byes I've stumbled across some scraps of paper that I used over the last year to jot down...pieces of thought.... and before I toss them I thought 'why not write a few down' so...yea.

on BFR:
-Sometimes BR strikes me as someone who'd have no compunction in running me over with his car. It's so hot.

- i have an intense attraction to the most lost boys in the world.

-God, he's so arrogant. Why do I find it so endearing?

- Today everyone at work was being really nice and friendly....I hope i'm not being fired soon.

if the accident will - slaughterhouse5

be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be - Kurt vonnegut jr.

Love came and visited me...and bit my neck. I love you Kopeck


modicum of composure

Working for Seaman's Inne has caused a number of unfortunate side effects in my day-to-day life, but the most unnatural is my severe and all consuming hatred of phones.


"At the time they were teaching that there was absolutely no difference between anybody-they may be teaching that still" - Bruce S. on Fordham.



A poem.


Stars never fall mid afternoon
And days pass slowly
days leave too soon
misperception and misery
your voice says -i wish-
yeah we all wish a lot of things
lets not talk about it.
ignoring the clearly visible
to pretend it's something else
to believe its not at all
maybe by Friday i can deny your existence
make believe out of what i believed of you.
sole eraser of my souls eraser from your life - you make me irrelevant because i let you
i let you by not forgetting you
circles encircling themselves create patterns in the snow before it even falls
like the imprints i leave in your retinas for when you cant dream
i am the weight in your lungs
when your can't breathe
i am the hand that pulled the blade away.
that was a mistake
i regret that now too
just like i regret you.

"And my heart has slowly dried up"- Shit Luck (MM)

or at least there is no emotion attatched to feeling.

today i wrote a letter to Chris Morano

Dear Chris,


soooo.

I uh, found my shoe.

And i had car tire marks on my arm when i woke up- which would've been even cooler if i could've remembered what the fuck happened.

oh well.

Jeff left today and he fucking started texting me as soon as he got off his first flight (at 5AM)....talking about mexicans or some crazy shit and i was like "I WILL FUCK YOUR FACE TO PIECES WITH MY BARE HANDS IF YOU DON'T LET ME SLEEP" so um yea, i think this long distance relationship has lots of promise.

Miss you lots
ska


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side note: mom gets her cast off today