Me: he got married!
kathryn: oh, they're so gonna get a divorce.


this is why i love k-co, she at least trys to say something to make me feel better.

and i had a dream about him last night.
my mom and i were at his house and he was completely cross dressed with a black skirt over his jeans and a padded bra and everything. I was trying to keep mom from noticing, so we slipped into a side room and started making out on his bed. we stopped fooling around for a minute and he said "as long as you know what I want". i knew what he meant, that he didnt want to date me or have anything come of it. it hurt, a lot, because yet again i was overlooking something my mom was going to give me shit for just to be with him, and he wasnt doing the same for me.


one sided love is a bitch baby.

I work at Mystic Market, I've been here for a little over 3 years. It is exactly as exciting as you think. I have a collection of love notes more extensive than your family tree. Also I plan on changing my life by moving to France where, in a narcissistically ironic twist, I'll drink White Russians all day- and you're all invited.

these comes a point in time where it hurts too much to keep going back.

I may be 20 years old
and we may not have spoken in 2 years
but if he marries someone else my heart will still break into a million little pieces all over again.

I only know this because he has, and it just DID.

he moved to CA and married someone else.

which somehow only makes everything seem all the more worthless.


it's time for a good cry again.

1/23/06


We put the dog to sleep.

On Monday he slipped on the front stairs and tore a ligament in his back leg
and on top of the hip displacer
and the arthritis
and the fact he was 13
it just didn't seem fair anymore by friday


but then again nothings really completely fair anyway.


Now its a lot of me trying not to think about it-
because thats the only thing i do really well anymore-
not thinking and lots of forgetting and pretending not to know.


and sometimes there are conversations that go:

Mom: dont forget to hang up your coat or the dog will sleep on it.
Me: okay......oh.

and then we both look at the place his bed used to be by the table and fall into silence, that silence that somehow accompanies death in its certain, yet comforting, way.

because we cant seem to move on from the people we were friends with in HS -
because we never do anything thats completely sincere -
because it's only wasting time when your car hits the tree and not before -
because people will always treat you substandard when you continue to blindly condone it.

BECAUSE DEATH IS TOO EASY FOR YOU.


that;s why.

The summary of a very long letter:

People harden from pain.... I've seen pain become like cement in the bloodstream-
rendering everything around it immobile... weighing down any chance of progression....eventually killing by its own exsistance.

your lies are bigger than my lies

Jeff: kinda wondering about the guy hanging from a noose?
Me: his name is billy
Me: he also enjoys swings.

PDA

I can't remember the last time I used my away message to keep people updated on my life.
Actually I can't remember much of anything I used to do, anymore

my one mistake wasn't a single thing I did
this time it's all you,
it's all you,
baggage
and
childhood scars
and mental corruption
and sleep terrors
and thoughts of the past
and tight feelings that refuse to move at all.
much in the same way I still refuse to move at all these days.

I don't even like these boys-
but god forbid I pay attention at the beginning
attention to all the little things they do that I don't like.

yes, yes indeed

rainy saturday illusion

So, look at the circle of pink dots and follow the movement round. Unremarkably, you see the dots as the colour pink.

But now fixate on the , and you should notice the 'moving' dot turns green! Pretty nifty, eh?

But there's more! Keep concerntrating on that my Padawan learner, and I bet you can make all those pink dots completely disappear...




Science says it's the cones in your eyes getting tired of seeing a certain colour, and therefore hightens the opposite colour shared by that particular cone; that's why the pink eventually disappear. When watching the pink dots, you'll notice there is a glimmer of the green behind it. I'm not a scientist...just pre-university level psych.