we didn't start the fire

Nico reminds me that who I am is still very different than who he'll ever be. I need someone who is comfortable with me, that's what I see in Colin, a person who fits into me exactly where I am. Nico might never be the kind of person to look outside of himself with small indiscretions, to reach out in the small moments that will make up the big moments in the end.

I don't know if I can hold onto never.

I don't know if all my feelings for him are just reminiscing or simply my own unwillingness to be ignored, to be second place. He got married to someone else, he tattooed his wedding ring ON. You can't tell me you married for a green-card and do that. You can't treat me like I'm emotionally stupid. I am not. There are SO MANY THINGS THAT I AM NOT.

Colin tells me all the time that he really likes me, he holds my hand and smothers me with hugs and kisses on the cheek- sometimes he looks at me with this expression on his face, like everything I might find to be bad about me is melting away under his gaze. He can drive me home on a sunday morning, me puking from alcohol poisoning in the passenger seat- barely able to stop shaking- and still look at me and think I'm beautiful. I don't think anyone else I've dated has ever felt like that, least off all said it to my face.

Pete, at midnight on St. Patty's day as he's helping Mere steer a puking me to her car, says "Mere, why don't you just fucking tell Sarah Kate to marry me already- she's beautiful". This from a guy who I've only seen once in the last two months.


They are not Nico.