Very delicately I'm fighting the urge to give in
COMPLETELY
to sinking again.

People like me because I'm happy, and because I'm funny.
I get so excited that I take the whole room with me- I don't mean to, I just do.
There's something about having a person know nothing about you that makes it easier to ..
to do this.

If I wanted you to fall in love with me than you already would've- lucky you that I don't.

Dave shows up to all my hs lax games-
and interrogates all my bfs- in true daddy style
and Bruce gives me advice. and when people are mean to me
he looks them in the eye and says "nobody puts my baby in a corner"

because you see, I'm kinda a big deal.

And yet, the man who has an IN with me through parental rights doesn't want to be my father

and i get very confused over my partial blessing
and somethings i lashout rather than tell you all the little things alot the way.

I've found a new form of self punishment: i look at pictures of N until I cry.

discontentment and photos

I think I might be losing it.

The other night I wanted to get off the phone with Jeff really badly - and he kept stalling and not letting me go-
until I found myself sitting there silently screaming at the phone, after which my silence caused him to lose interest and let me hang up.

I just don't want to be here right now
and i dont want to be with him right now
and i dont want any of this.

and then this morning he sent me pictures of us
that i didnt want to have taken
by his mom when i was at his house around xmas
and you can tell by the look on my face