when everything begins to fall apart:

In reality it happens in slow motion with time and action suspended like it's held captive in a jello filled fish bowl, but the impact of when it strikes makes the occurrence seem as sudden as an overdose. The glove of sinew or muscle over bone and blood cannot comfort or protect from this disaster, which is as inevitable as that night where you have one too many drinks and suddenly decide to give your virginity to a boy for safe keeping, but does he keep it safe? is it in a bottle for display, like some prize won -in need of being shown off like a great conquest.

like putty in your hands, silly putty.

Colin is the bane of my insecurities,
because like a heat seeking missile,
when he fires he does not miss.

cut the crap.

Recently, actually, directly after breaking up on Monday night following four hours of him screaming at me and swearing at me and telling me that all his friends think I'm awful- I came to realize that Colin is bitter about a lot of things that have nothing to do with me. This is only further ignored by the fact that everything is obviously my fault, because we've been together for so long that it leaves me as the most constant and reliable target within his tempers sights. Also, his life was perfect before me, which cements this as the only answer yet again.

He kept talking about this time he dressed up for me, something that he did once and therefore can rub in my face whenever he wants, which i didn't appreciate properly (he was wearing an old button up that was missing some buttons and a pair of khakis that has a giant rip in the side) because I made the comment that the shirt he was wearing didn't do his good looks justice. I am a horrid bitch. Oh yeah, and there was the time that I 'tried to change him' by encouraging him to go to college, and then WROTE HIS RESEARCH PAPERS WHEN HE WAS TOO OVERWHELMED TO HANDLE IT JUST SO HE WOULDN'T FAIL. To credit his argument, I also tried to change him when I took him shopping for shorts that weren't ripped in the crotch to go on job interviews with, interviews that he got after I helped him in fill out applications. And there was his 21st birthday: I threw him a huge party, all his friends over to my house and then drove them all home when they were drunk. But that's not the worst thing I did, the worst thing I ever did was when I sat him down while he was screaming at me after locking me out of his house in the middle of dec. and calmly explained to him that his anger was a huge problem, and encourage him to change.

I was wrong to spend so much time on something that was never going to work- for some reason I have a huge problem of wanting my life to be something big and great and special. I want to change the outcome that I could be destened for if I don;t constantly push myself.

And there is a boy who I don't want when I have and whither for when I can't.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work, it can't: some things are cracked by nature and are not meant to ever be fixed. No matter how much love i may have for Colin, I know better than to ever tell him to his face, because you do not admit your weaknesses in the war of love.