Bitters

My hands reak of bleach from work, tomorrow I will find her clothes and the smell will come back.

I will show her what it feels like to have another bitch destroy your property.


This will change nothing between she and I, but it will change everything about who I am.





COLIN MOVED ANOTHER GIRL INTO HIS APT AND FUCKED HER.


I feel sad and angry and tilted.

but mostly hurt, so very hurt.

Magically, this didn't stop you from completely unziping every fragment I had left.

I've spent the majority of my life lying about the reality of things,

You were the one place in my life I was completely honest,









Unfortunetly you weren't.

colin fucked Marlenna. Meanwhile I fucked him without a condom. oh and we were still dating.


i am beside myself.


He keeps calling me and i wont pickup.

These are not the kind of relationships i have.

i cant forgive him and i cant stop crying.


I paid two of his friends to change the lock on his bedroom door
, it was worth the 50$. But it doesnt change what he's done, or whats happended.

time is unchangable.

i want everything not to hurt and not to be second guesses anymore.





i dont want it.

I am so over this bullshit.


Colin has another girl sleeping in his bed, a girl that is known for sleeping around and cant understand why i am not happy with him. It was one thing when she was just freeloading cuz she didnt want to pay rent, but its a completely different story when there is another bed and a couch for her skank ass to be on.

I am going to be 23, more than i am right now, on wed.


AND I CAN'T GET NICO OUT OF MY HEAD. Like blood and cells and ginger ale he floats around in there until he's apart of everything that he shouldn't be. And i miss my cat, but if i don't sleep i wont cry so i don't sleep even though its been weeks and everything feels like ice cubes and fuzzy and far away nothing. Evrything is nothing and the meanings dead. It trys to struggle for life through digits - money and time- but it is not strong enough for me anymore. not real. realness is dead, dead like ashes after cremation, or maybe even more so. I dated you and you and you and we flirted for a brief time that I won't remember except for bragging rights or fleeting moments of dying embarresment because you were never good enough for who i am supposed to be, the supposed to be that other people see and feel and percieve like air molocules drifting past lazely in front of my removed exsitance, knowing i wont lift a finger to catch them. nothing. not an ounce or a gram of movement. why is the only reasoning that i have anymore. and fear that would cripple if i could feel it, partnering in a silent movie where i think we might have a future together but you tell me every day that we wont, and i pretend you didnt because i dont hear you say the exact words Colin.

I am no longer worried about making the wrong choices, as i have already made them.