wasp nest

Any time I'm vaguely content there are dreams of N.

Sleeping has become wonderful and horrific all at once.

last night I dreamed I went to Cali and found him in a small chateau overlooking a town below and then the ocean. At first he was cold, but then later on there was a kiss hello as we sat on his bed and he looked busy with a mag. and then a kiss because i was next to him. and it was all just nice. we decided to sun bathe naked on this small patio which overlooked everything- he grabbed my hand and lifted me up and carried and kissed me through the morass of hallways until we reached outside.
as we laid in the sun a small tornado passed by in the front yard on the other side of the house and he said "its crazy...i love it!"
as we turned away from the debris i saw the neighbors through a window and we giggled and tried to hide. Later on i had to leave because Frankinstien showed up and I didn't want him near Nico. I lured Frankinstien into the town and tried to tame him- only it didn't work and then I work up.

I feel like I need this boy and like i need to save this boy and it's been TWO YEARS.
but I miss loving him
and telling him that.
it doesn't feel right to say to anyone else
and when i say that i feel like I'm saying it because in truth i don't WANT to get over N-
and I think maybe there's a part of me that's still waiting for him to come back and spend the
rest of his life with me like he said he wanted to.
but I don't trust him.
and I don't trust it
and I don't trust if he meant it or not.
even if jeff did assure me that I'm the kind of girl worth waiting for- I don't trust N with that
and without the trust I'm slow to make a move.

everything with you is so lovely-
but it never really happened at all.

Last night I had sex with Phil.


Random.

last night was intense.
a lot of intense dreams.
mostly about nico.

I dreamed that he was with this girl, ashley
and she wasn't horrible,
she just wasn't special
but he was trying to force me to like her
and I couldn't
and I had a meltdown all over them
-more damp then the rain outside the windows-
which was horrible.

And now I feel horrible.
or stuck
or something equally as stupid.