I think I just got over drinking
and smoking
and fighting
and love
and boys
and thoughts
and the supposed importance of things.


N-

You love the idea of me more than the real thing anyway.
So not writing back was a good thing.
Because you still have the best part.
The part that will always be whatever you want it to be.
The part that doesn't let down like the real thing does when she's low.

all the fake flowers look real nice from here
and the pealing paint on your hallway ceiling makes really great snow flakes in my stories of things that never should have been.

-sk

Blue sky's no place for red blood.

Today anger flew around like burning kites on a windy day.

Why?

Because the whole Taylor thing is still being blown out of proportion.

Because the whole Taylor thing is spreading. It’s spreading and sticking and involving ME NOW…why they hell am i being involved when I wasn't even in the room originally? DON’T ASK ME WHO’S IN MY CAR WHEN YOU KNOW WHO’S IN MY CAR AND DON’T WHISTLE AT ME JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK I’LL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Passivity is a way of life for some, but it is not my way, and you do not want to know this.

It’s still being made more important than it ever should've been and people are losing other people for people whose names they won't know in ten years. In six years. Next year.

I told Brandon he was over reacting. He agreed with me but it didn't change him any. These two doves of mine fly into a fright over ever passing car and then they feed off each others fears/thoughts/opinions until a pin is a sword.


seperate issue:

What is the real function of memory? Pain? Mom told me it was all my fault and that I did it and that I ruined everything with N and when she said that I felt my whole body hit a wall: Some things are just meant to be known and not said out loud. Words can be like car tires on a baby's chest...they crush and break what is seemingly so precious and untouchable to loving eyes.

Sometimes I've cheated/failed in school and relationships.
But I've never stolen money, just hearts.

in a message dated 3/22 sk writes:


I need to get out

What I meant to say was "I saw you called me.I'm wondering why."

Instead I wrote "I don't understand why you keep trying to contact me. I told you not to and you're not respecting that. But more importantly, you're not respecting ME. And yeah, I get that if you respected me you wouldn't have said what you've said to me, but it's OVER Nico and you need to developed some basic intelligence and comprehend that. You made this decision (your decision) and then I made mine: I decided that I really didn't need someone who had to spend three days conjuring up vaccus bullshit about me as a friend, because, what? Oh yeah THAT'S NOT A FRIEND.
You don't seem to understand that there are people in the world who deserve to be treated decently. Do you not understand that what you did was wrong? YOU ARE PROFOUNDLY SELFISH. Listen to your mother, because she can tell you when you STOP being a human being.
I'm not like your other friends. Pouts/phone calls will not bring me back because your ego-trips have no influence over me. Do you get it? This is the biggest mistake you ever made. The only thing I ever deserved from you was an apology and I'm surprised you still haven't done that.
I can't believe who you turned into and I don't want to have anything to do with you. Stop calling me and emailing me because you're not worth changing my # over, but I will if I have to.


-SK"


This is why my letters never get sent.

dreams like clouds of pesticide in a blue sky.

we're in a huge house and i am trying to avoid N but he's there with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched and he's walking the way he walks and he's always slightly behind whomever it is i'm talking to but he wont talk just like he does and he's JUST THERE and it JUST KILLS ME.




He's still there, right behind everything i do, and it hurts.


if N really knew what a huge mistake he made his soul would be shredded in such a way that it would never be repaired. I dont really want the apology i'm asking for because it will just be more bullshit....just like the bullshit he spent three days trying to make up and convince himself of before slandering me. Those lovely little vaccus, inspiped excuses he threw at me.

I have excuses too.

I don't want to pick up the phone because i don't want you to hurt me anymore.


my excuses are nothing like yours.

Dear N,

You made your decision, and I made mine.

That was the one time all this was fair
and I'm not going to let you take it away from me with your 'treating people badly until your conciseness kicks in and you feel guilty and then try to apologize' thing. I'm not budging until you do..... And trust me when I say I wont, because I'm my fathers daughter.

So, all my old friends from hs are on myspace. including N. That was fun to walk into.


Like a bottle of gasoline into a burning building my stomach explodes at the sight of his name. HE USES MY PET NAME FOR HIM STILL. I want to tell him to give it back...he has no right to any connection to me. He has no right to be that person anymore. DO YOU HEAR ME? STOP CALLING ME STOP EMAILING ME STOP USING EVERYTHING WONDERFUL I EVER GAVE YOU AND GIVE ME UP SO I CAN GET OVER YOU INSTEAD OF THIS. OH GOD. i am so sick of THIS. SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO so sick of feeling like this.


something make it stop.

N called me while i was studying. He didn't leave a message and I didn't call back...i put on The Postal Service instead and thought of going for a nice long walk.

Reasons why not to show up to class hungover:

1) pop quiz
2) misreading "only the strong survive" as "only the slutty survive" on the back of brian's tshirt.

Reasons why it's a good idea anyway:
1) The BR incident doesnt feel like it ever happened.
2) you can laugh at yourself louder than the rest of the class when you misspell "foil" as "fiol"

"This plane is definitely crashing
This boat is obviously sinking
This building's totally burning down

And my, and my (a whole bunch)
And my heart has slowly dried up"- Shit Luck (MM)

"cock fights and i'm always winning" -rizzi

Today I ran into BR and his new gf in the A&P.
Actually, I saw him and i tried to hide, and then when he saw me he ran away.
They were buying ballons.
He let HER drive.
Car bombs are useful and easy to make, or so i hear


Hi, my name is sarah kate and i have dysfuntional relationships with guys.

Your happiness, but at whose cost?


*reaches in laundry hamper*
*pulls out dirty sock*
*hangs the dirty sock out her bedroom window*

That's about all the dirty laundry i care to air in public these days.