-----Original Message-----
From: "8607054748" <+18607054748>
Sent: Sun, 29 Oct 2006 00:33:20
To: +18606258310
Subject:
Jesse found a salamander its name it surprise sex

I dont remember most of last night. This might be because of all the X i did, or maybe it was all the vodka I drank or maybe it was because I choose not to remember things that don't want to be remembered.

Messy

It;s saturday night and I am limping along. How do i say it? thought makes me dislike all this. I hate thought and all that it brings with it. I do not like to consider my actions. i do not like to consider the possibility of people not liking me for trying to get them to. I scared jesse by jumping into bed with him after only knowing him for two weeks. i don't like him, i like the fact that this makes him harder to have: i crave the difficult. I didn't have sex with him. WE DID NOT FUCK. But he is acting like I was naked because he paid me to be and now that he has more money it's time to see what else he can buy. I am over reacting, but it's all i can do. I wanna have fun and I'm willing to pay money to avoid a cheap good time. but i worry about looking desperate or like a loser. my.biggst.fear. pathetic isnt it? I'm so scared of people thinking i'm not good enough that they probably already do. fuck this scene. I'm jealous. did i mention that? I'm jealous that there's this group of boys that are wearing tights and dressed like cereal box characters and they're having a grand ol' time of a dance party in some dirty dorm room. I want that- no, i wanted that and i wanted it too hard so i did what i did and now i get all sad and teary when sarah calls me to tell me about it.

Tomorrow I'm going to a concert @ lupo's.
30 SECONDS TO MARS
HEAD AUTOMATICA
THE PINK SPIDERS | COBRA STARSHIP
MEN WOMEN & CHILDREN

all bands Jesse told me to listen to.

this.is.so.sad.ska.
whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy.

boys i like dont really rock too much these days

Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:24:24 PM): so uh i heard from amer that jeff said you and ska fucked liked bunnies....
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:24:28 PM): what's this?
rancidbosstone (9:26:01 PM): haha bunnies?
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:26:10 PM): well i added that part
rancidbosstone (9:26:34 PM): yea wutev people talk
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:26:40 PM): hahaha
rancidbosstone (9:26:46 PM): i was so fucking ruined that night
rancidbosstone (9:27:01 PM): i barely remember wut happened in my room
rancidbosstone (9:27:03 PM): which sucks
rancidbosstone (9:27:04 PM): haha
rancidbosstone (9:27:52 PM): i woke up and there was a condom on the ground and i was liek whaaaat


Sk007r: yea, which he ripped open with his teeth and them threw across the room
i was like "uhh. okay, i was gonna use that"
Sar Elizabeth 18: hahahahahahahahha
Sar Elizabeth 18:i told him he'll probably have a chance to redeem himself
9:30 PM
Sk007r: yea, not so sure about that



rancidbosstone (9:30:33 PM): im not looking for a relationship relaly right now so i donno if i should mmake it a habit
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:30:51 PM): yeah i gotcha
rancidbosstone (9:31:21 PM): but its not like she goes here so it wont be a huge issue
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:31:36 PM): no not at all
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:31:41 PM): and she's pretty chill
rancidbosstone (9:31:46 PM): yea
Sar Elizabeth 18 (9:31:57 PM): its all good
rancidbosstone (9:32:05 PM): i still wanna lay off for a bit


to clear things up -

I wasn't the one grabbing onto me all night long and holding my hand
and i also wasn't the one going out of my way to kiss me
or who said "i like you"
or who woke me up the next morning with a back-rub and make-out session


but mostly i'm extremely offended that he didn't say any of this to me.

it's not me...because it's you

I finally worked it out.
I've been doing some big thinking and asking a lot of questions and i've discovered that not one single guy that i've dated has ever had any complaints about me as a person/gf/friend. In fact, it's the exact opposite.
The relationship always bombs because of something they do/did/refused to admit they want to do or something else along these lines.

so we break up.


and then i somehow become first on that list of drunken phone calls you wish you could make when you were sober.

Saturday, July 15, 2006


The Island of Doctor Moreau

Once or twice as I stood waiting there for things to accomplish themselves, I could not resist an impulse to laugh at my miserable quandary.
-- H.G. Wells

Me: he got married!
kathryn: oh, they're so gonna get a divorce.


this is why i love k-co, she at least trys to say something to make me feel better.

and i had a dream about him last night.
my mom and i were at his house and he was completely cross dressed with a black skirt over his jeans and a padded bra and everything. I was trying to keep mom from noticing, so we slipped into a side room and started making out on his bed. we stopped fooling around for a minute and he said "as long as you know what I want". i knew what he meant, that he didnt want to date me or have anything come of it. it hurt, a lot, because yet again i was overlooking something my mom was going to give me shit for just to be with him, and he wasnt doing the same for me.


one sided love is a bitch baby.

I work at Mystic Market, I've been here for a little over 3 years. It is exactly as exciting as you think. I have a collection of love notes more extensive than your family tree. Also I plan on changing my life by moving to France where, in a narcissistically ironic twist, I'll drink White Russians all day- and you're all invited.

these comes a point in time where it hurts too much to keep going back.

I may be 20 years old
and we may not have spoken in 2 years
but if he marries someone else my heart will still break into a million little pieces all over again.

I only know this because he has, and it just DID.

he moved to CA and married someone else.

which somehow only makes everything seem all the more worthless.


it's time for a good cry again.

1/23/06


We put the dog to sleep.

On Monday he slipped on the front stairs and tore a ligament in his back leg
and on top of the hip displacer
and the arthritis
and the fact he was 13
it just didn't seem fair anymore by friday


but then again nothings really completely fair anyway.


Now its a lot of me trying not to think about it-
because thats the only thing i do really well anymore-
not thinking and lots of forgetting and pretending not to know.


and sometimes there are conversations that go:

Mom: dont forget to hang up your coat or the dog will sleep on it.
Me: okay......oh.

and then we both look at the place his bed used to be by the table and fall into silence, that silence that somehow accompanies death in its certain, yet comforting, way.

because we cant seem to move on from the people we were friends with in HS -
because we never do anything thats completely sincere -
because it's only wasting time when your car hits the tree and not before -
because people will always treat you substandard when you continue to blindly condone it.

BECAUSE DEATH IS TOO EASY FOR YOU.


that;s why.

The summary of a very long letter:

People harden from pain.... I've seen pain become like cement in the bloodstream-
rendering everything around it immobile... weighing down any chance of progression....eventually killing by its own exsistance.

your lies are bigger than my lies

Jeff: kinda wondering about the guy hanging from a noose?
Me: his name is billy
Me: he also enjoys swings.

PDA

I can't remember the last time I used my away message to keep people updated on my life.
Actually I can't remember much of anything I used to do, anymore

my one mistake wasn't a single thing I did
this time it's all you,
it's all you,
baggage
and
childhood scars
and mental corruption
and sleep terrors
and thoughts of the past
and tight feelings that refuse to move at all.
much in the same way I still refuse to move at all these days.

I don't even like these boys-
but god forbid I pay attention at the beginning
attention to all the little things they do that I don't like.

yes, yes indeed

rainy saturday illusion

So, look at the circle of pink dots and follow the movement round. Unremarkably, you see the dots as the colour pink.

But now fixate on the , and you should notice the 'moving' dot turns green! Pretty nifty, eh?

But there's more! Keep concerntrating on that my Padawan learner, and I bet you can make all those pink dots completely disappear...




Science says it's the cones in your eyes getting tired of seeing a certain colour, and therefore hightens the opposite colour shared by that particular cone; that's why the pink eventually disappear. When watching the pink dots, you'll notice there is a glimmer of the green behind it. I'm not a scientist...just pre-university level psych.

wasp nest

Any time I'm vaguely content there are dreams of N.

Sleeping has become wonderful and horrific all at once.

last night I dreamed I went to Cali and found him in a small chateau overlooking a town below and then the ocean. At first he was cold, but then later on there was a kiss hello as we sat on his bed and he looked busy with a mag. and then a kiss because i was next to him. and it was all just nice. we decided to sun bathe naked on this small patio which overlooked everything- he grabbed my hand and lifted me up and carried and kissed me through the morass of hallways until we reached outside.
as we laid in the sun a small tornado passed by in the front yard on the other side of the house and he said "its crazy...i love it!"
as we turned away from the debris i saw the neighbors through a window and we giggled and tried to hide. Later on i had to leave because Frankinstien showed up and I didn't want him near Nico. I lured Frankinstien into the town and tried to tame him- only it didn't work and then I work up.

I feel like I need this boy and like i need to save this boy and it's been TWO YEARS.
but I miss loving him
and telling him that.
it doesn't feel right to say to anyone else
and when i say that i feel like I'm saying it because in truth i don't WANT to get over N-
and I think maybe there's a part of me that's still waiting for him to come back and spend the
rest of his life with me like he said he wanted to.
but I don't trust him.
and I don't trust it
and I don't trust if he meant it or not.
even if jeff did assure me that I'm the kind of girl worth waiting for- I don't trust N with that
and without the trust I'm slow to make a move.

everything with you is so lovely-
but it never really happened at all.

Last night I had sex with Phil.


Random.

last night was intense.
a lot of intense dreams.
mostly about nico.

I dreamed that he was with this girl, ashley
and she wasn't horrible,
she just wasn't special
but he was trying to force me to like her
and I couldn't
and I had a meltdown all over them
-more damp then the rain outside the windows-
which was horrible.

And now I feel horrible.
or stuck
or something equally as stupid.

Very delicately I'm fighting the urge to give in
COMPLETELY
to sinking again.

People like me because I'm happy, and because I'm funny.
I get so excited that I take the whole room with me- I don't mean to, I just do.
There's something about having a person know nothing about you that makes it easier to ..
to do this.

If I wanted you to fall in love with me than you already would've- lucky you that I don't.

Dave shows up to all my hs lax games-
and interrogates all my bfs- in true daddy style
and Bruce gives me advice. and when people are mean to me
he looks them in the eye and says "nobody puts my baby in a corner"

because you see, I'm kinda a big deal.

And yet, the man who has an IN with me through parental rights doesn't want to be my father

and i get very confused over my partial blessing
and somethings i lashout rather than tell you all the little things alot the way.

I've found a new form of self punishment: i look at pictures of N until I cry.

discontentment and photos

I think I might be losing it.

The other night I wanted to get off the phone with Jeff really badly - and he kept stalling and not letting me go-
until I found myself sitting there silently screaming at the phone, after which my silence caused him to lose interest and let me hang up.

I just don't want to be here right now
and i dont want to be with him right now
and i dont want any of this.

and then this morning he sent me pictures of us
that i didnt want to have taken
by his mom when i was at his house around xmas
and you can tell by the look on my face

Last night the town sheriff knocked on my door to serve papers to my mom, again.
I miss N when I have no one to call and tell these stories to.
this is my life now- late night knocks to remind me that I once had two people as the excuse for my existence.

Jealously breeds attraction

Late night digressions

Last night I did something stupid.
Really stupid.
I searched online for Nico.
And he has a Myspace
and he's moved to CA
and I spent the whole night crying
because I miss him
and as terrified as I am of ever running into him again
there was comfort in knowing that I could-
a comfort which is now gone.

and I'm too scared to write him
every time I think about it I remember
Val writing him that note and how he
told everyone and how it didn't make a shit
of a difference.

Anyway
so he's gone now
which would explain why I was thinking about him so much
I guess I knew
and I guess I still hate knowing.
I just wish there was someone who could give me the perfect advice
on what to do right now and not when it doesnt matter anymore.



kopeck-

I am going to write this letter like you're right here and I'm talking to you
and I'm going to write it without stopping so I don't lose the nerve again.
Do I ever pop into your head when you least expect it?
If I do then maybe we should talk
because I think I'm finally ready to at least talk
that is, if you're willing to see me again.
Or maybe this whole thing is stupid and pointless and you just don't care anymore
but for me it's hard to think that its like this.
i dont know why
and i cant exactly put it into words
but it feels wrong
to miss you and not tell you

-ska

Last night

Jeff: do you still like your ex bf?
Me: No.
Jeff: are you sure?
Me: I haven't seen him or talked to him in 3yrs, now wouldn't it be silly to still like him?
Jeff: okay, cool.

hey, he didn't say 'love' or 'lust after' and whole countries have been built on technicalities, so fuck you.

anyway, I think we're going to break up next weekend when he comes home because he wants me to be some kind of gf that I;m not, even though I'm trying to be the kind of gf he wants me to be, apparently that's not it either.

oh yea, and I'm still infatuated with my ex bf, which isn't Jeff, so that's my side of things.

I'm crying and i'm typing and i'm lying again.

Sometimes it's nothing, sometimes i really just feel sad without any cause and i have a little cry

but there are no "little cries" in my house, and "if you don't know WHY you're crying it's because you're not in touch with your feelinsg and therefore i've failed as a mother if i haven't at least been able to give you that" my mom will yell as she flips out.

but sometimes its not you mom, sometimes its me, just me, and just the nothing that i dont feel about anything, ever.

On sun night Jeff compared having sex with me to eating gourmet food after a lifetime of McDonald's.
The irony? I work in a gourmet food market.

I wish nico- no, i refuse to go there.

I AM NOT THAT WEAK.

Jeff gave me a tiffany's heart necklace for my bday- really freaking pretty-


Elsa Peretti® OPEN HEART pendant, mini. Platinum, 16" long. Original designs copyrighted by Elsa Peretti.
$725





and on the way back to school he kept sending me text messages telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me.

But somehow i'm still wickedly indifferent to it being anybody but you.

How can you stand there and watch this
scene, I HATE YOU FOR LIKING ME.

really bad mood swings again

No
one
can
harness
the
rage.



Things I don't remember
are starting to come to mind again.

Lately I've been thinking about Nico.
Unprovoked naked thoughts about him, and me, and the beginning of the relationship
and the end of the relationship
and all the vaguly horrible and vividly wonderful things that were sandwiched inbetween.


I miss THAT

if any of this makes sense

Take my hand

You were there, and it was good in the begining
you were there, and we were good in the begining.

I would love to change your mind.

If I told you how incredibly miserable I am right now you'd probably just accuse me of overly indulgent self pity.
The upshot of it all is when my mom sat me down the day after I had to put my cat to sleep and told me I had cried enough and to stop- I did, right then. And when Jeff tells me I should be happy, I try, from that exact second -to be happy. And when people are impressed about how well I handle things I always neglect to tell them about how I cry myself to sleep a lot, because, somehow I just cant seem to understand yet why I cant be better, why things cant be better.

this morning i fought my urge to climb back into bed and cried my way through most of my hw while mom walked.


i dont know anymore
but maybe
thats because i dont want to

I have a freak flag and i'm not afraid to fly it.

or yanno

paint my nails three different shades of blue instead.

FUCK.



I'm so sorry.

tiamarie531: ive got a scandalous picture on myspace.com
Sk007r: haha..thats like...almost your boobs
tiamarie531: i cant leave it up much longer bryan got kinda angry
Sk007r: because he's an uptight killjoy?
tiamarie531: no the pic was originally for him
tiamarie531: but i geuss thats a look i give him before sex
Sk007r: and so he hates it? ah, that makes sense
tiamarie531: FUCK YOU

misread on blogger status page "scheduled outrage at 4:00PM PST."

i'm trying so hard to forget
you're still out there somewhere
with someone you met
and i'm down to my last cigarette.

Yesterday mom put the dog to sleep.


I had to go to work,
and when I got home it was hard to see the empty spot under the table on the kitchen floor where the dogs bed was that morning.


I will cry on tues, or maybe wed. . . but for now i'll try my hardest to not feel anything. Shall we talk about something else? okay, lets.

Jeff came home around 930pm.
He told me I was good at not showing emotion about these kinda things
and I almost told him about how I cant feel my heart breathe anymore
but I didn't, and instead I just laughed, awkwardly.

I woke up around 8 this morning. I had a dream about N last night. We were older in the dream, we dressed in harder clothes. I had snuck into his house for something and it wasn't his house like I remember it being- and I was not as stealth as I am in real life. We talked briefly, I don't know about what, and afterwards I came back to his house another time afterwhich everything blurred.

I wonder if he dreams about me when I dream about him and if he thinks about me when I think about him- if this is all his doing.


can my brain still be ridiculously connected to yours after so many years?

no, probably not.

I think maybe this makes me useful, and therefore somewhat more nondisposable in nature, than you realize.

Forget pretty.
I am the funny girl.
i've either given up or gotten over pretty.
i am incompetent when it comes to those things
pretty doesnt make you smile late at night in the dark the way a remembered amusement does.
Who needs to be hot when you can make people laugh?


i have different definitions for things like love now

maybe i just dont like feeling so unsure


or maybe since the only thing left to fear if death ...i have no fears

"I play along with the charade

That doesn’t seem to be a reason to change

You know I feel so dirty when they start talkin’ cute

I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

‘Cause she’s watchin’ him with those eyes

And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it

And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night"

IMISSYOU

I gave mere a handle of vodka
she got drunk before a school dance
and might get in trouble now


ALL TOGETHER NOW


What are the reasons behind growing up and life
because i think its sad that moms dont greet their kids at the front door
-with a glass of water and a hug-
when they show up drunk at 4am
and i really think people shouldnt be as cruel as they have a habit of becoming
eric goodman shouldnt have posted pictures of me when i was drunk and being stupid
and i should know bette than to be drunk or stupid around people i dont know




-----?------

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

New Year

We finally made our way outside to the car after almost breaking the metal railing to the front steps
which made Mere fall down and Jayme laugh so hard that she pee'd herself and then pee'd somemore in the bushes in front of the house
and then we couldnt light the fucking lighter because we were all too drunk.
I really love drunk meredith when i'm drunk and she wants a ciggarette
we went back to jeff's house where madeout with jeff loudly on his couch in front of EVERYONE,
after which he decided that i was his gf, officially