I had always planned to never become an emotion mud puddle: And I was doing pretty well too, until I got hit with last year and all that shit. Now I avoid feeling much of anything simply because I don't have the time to work through it all right now. "I was going to get over N, but I also had to do Algebra homework." Somehow I think that wont sound too impressive to posterity.

And then there's my daddy. I talked alot about my dad tonight, my father. My Father has fucked me up in ways that scare me even in my sleep: I have issues far too deep for medication or therapy to ever fix. I wrote him a letter the other day (it just seemed like the thing to do) in it I said "I'm glad they're allowing sperm donors to claim their spawn as tax deductions now, I think that's really great for you."


I officially revoke my own humanity.

GumboGump: i will chase you down
GumboGump: and while your screaming help i will offset it by screaming stop thief


I'm trying something called Contentment Through Positive Thought.


Positive thinking:

This is going to be a VERY good day, just you wait sk, just you wait.


Plus I'm going to go to school and fall in love with my (circumstantially gorgeous of course) math teacher and have a twisted romance ending in his disgrace and resignation and my getting lots of high fives between classes.

Also, currently I am totally LOVING that my $825.00 education allows me to use a real, modern computer, that loads a web page in under ten minutes!


YAY FOR PERKS!

I've always liked to think I have a death grip on reality, but that's just me.


The Quiz went well. *golf claps* I got 100%, so I'm not complaining: I'm just saying it's not fair that Brent got the same score as me, but unlike me, he's able to answer all the in-class work correctly while I shout out random answers that no matter how much i believe (at the time) to be true, are actually in fact just propaganda infused bullshit.

I need to wash out my garbage can when i get home because i definetely puked up all of dinner into it around 11:30 last night.


Other thoughts include:
I
think
I
would
love
to
believe
N
is
still
in
love
with
me.


Obviously i need more than 3 hours of sleep if i'm going to be sane, ever.

GumboGump: speaking of Bush, how are you doing?

how to make my heart explode in one second or less

Memories have ways of becoming independent of the reality they evoke. They can soften us against those we were deeply hurt by or they can make us resent those we once accepted and loved unconditionally.

Tuesday

I guess I didn't answer the phone when Tc called because, i don't need her pity, or questions. I already answered all of Mikes, which i'm sure gave N all the information he was looking for anyway. Have i mentioned that Mike has yet to call me back? Yea, frantically calling my phone 15 times a day for two weeks and then nothing after i finally start talking to him again doesnt look obvious. no.

"Dana raised her hand. 'I learned about exaggeration,' she said. 'It was all my teacher ever talked about. We had like ten thousand tests on it, and the teacher would kill you if you didn't spell it right.'"
Wayside School Gets A Little Stranger, by Louis Sachar

this is what i've been doing over the last six months.

"..[action], without right thinking, is almost useless. I repeat myself, but, the person who wants to tap the larger truth in himself must reject the temptations of [belonging to mainstream.] He must forget the [attention and popularity] of mass-circulation. He must ask himself, "what do i REALLY think of the world, what do i love, fear, hate?" and begin to pour this on paper." - ray bradbury.

There's only one thing left to say at this point-


YOU BROKE MY HEART.


And what did you want with your email? Closure? I'll never know because I never read it and I'm not a strong enough person to ask around like you've got mike doing for you. When he asked me "would you ever re-date" did you honestly think I wouldn't know he was asking around for you when he suddenly started calling only AFTER I DIDN'T READ YOUR FUCKING EMAIL RIGHT AFTER YOU SENT IT? Did you really believe I wouldn't finally put it all together? You don't think...which makes you a luckier person than me.

In the last three weeks every conversation thats started with "but you dont want to be with him again, do you?" has ended with me saying " that would be the logical answer" with no hint of belief behind my words.


I think it would be fun to make some jello shots and then go break bottles in the middle of the road.

B.fish and i went to the mall tonight.......but i went and had myself a full blown panic attack, so we had to leave.

Senseless panic: panic that N would be there, or that one of the many impossibly hopeful 15yr olds that were impossibly pretty were Rachel.


sometimes i'd love to scream at a wall for hours on end.

Ode to lactation in the 18th century

Word of the Day for Thursday January 13, 2005

indurate \IN-dur-it; -dyur-\, adjective:
Physically or morally hardened; unfeeling; stubborn.

\IN-dur-ayt; -dyur-\, transitive verb:
1. To make hard; to harden.
2. To harden against; to make hardy; to habituate.
3. To make hardened; to make callous.

I'm not really in love with anything or anybody right now.

The Half-life of Happiness

Lets talk about the fact that tc randomly called me on sat at 11pm and didnt leave a mesage when i didnt pick up.

Lets talk about the fact that N unsent his email before i got around to feeling like reading it- and what that means.

Lets talk about the fact that i got supremly drunk all by myself on sunday [sub-conversation info: i finished off two beers while i showered] and then flipped out.

Lets talk about the fact that i saw a boy that looked like BR and my stomach twisted- until i realized it wasnt actually BR. Later on when BR actually did come into work i tried to avoid him. He called me and left a message on my cell two minutes after he left.

Lets talk about the fact mom saw BR buying beer with kim.

Lets talk about the fact that i think i'm doing the right thing and i'm doing good -even though i cant seem to return any of Mike's 15-something calls/messages because i'm paranoid that hes just trying to get info on me to report back. EVERYTHING IS NOT HAPPY I'M CRYING A LOT FOR REASONS I CAN'T NAME OUT LOUD.

crying=not happy.

or at least thats what i was always told. I'm fucking tired and i wonder if Adam will come in again tomorrow.



" "...and they fell down the stairs in a promiscuous heap."
I heart philosophy, and I really enjoy the concept that humans are walking sex-and-death." -random LJ

Meredith gave a deer an ass reduction

2004 went out with a bang...at least for the deer mere and i hit. [Hot is using a snow brush to scrap a hunk of deer ass out of the front of Meres car.]

As wrong as this sounds ...i'm really glad it was Meres car and that she was driving... because if it had been my moms car i doubt we could afford to fix the damage. Oh yeah, and because if i was driving we would've spun off the road instead of just mere screaming a lot.
Other than that we were late for EVERYTHING last night.
Although being late for Twelevth night was definetely the deers fault, since it took us 45 minutes to report hitting it. Oh god...i seriously thought i was going to puke when i saw the imbeded chunk of deer in the front of her car. Oh, and just in case you were wondering -the deers alive.

Aside from having one headlight that now points skyward [the whole night it looked like we were pointing a spotlight from M's car at the trees] the car was very drivble, thank god.

BR called me at 2am and invited me to go skiing with him at Moon Moutain. The catch? Leaving at 5am to get there. But i was very much passed out by then and slepted through the message he left.


I have no resolutions,

just resolve