blind date/dating blindly.

Spunkeylalaa (8:40 PM): the worse thing ever was for steph and i to get a fridge
Sk007R (8:40 PM): no, the worse thing ever was for you to fill said fridge with foods that are made completely of fat.

----------

Ricky stopped me on my street to tell me that he came over to tell me that he was calling me later because i HAD to meet his friend chris.

HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO EXPLODE FROM THE OUTSIDE FOR ONCE BECAUSE MY INSIDES DONT EXSIST. I WAS IN EAST LYME WITH MY MOM TODAY AND I SAW THE HS FOOTBALL FIELD AS WE DROVE BY AND THE BLEACHES AND THE PLAYGROUND FOR FLANDERS MIDDLE SCHOOL THAT NICO AND I SMOKED AND KISSED ON IN THE DARK AFTER A GAME AND COLD BACK WHEN MY HEART STILL WORKED ENOUGH TO CHANGE BEATS OVER THE WAY SOMEONE BREATHED NEXT TO ME- BACK WHEN I COULD FEEL SOMEONE ELSES THOUGHTS AS THEY FIRST STARTED TO FORM-BACK WHEN WE DIDNT NEED TO TALK BABY BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNEW WHAT WE WERE SAYING ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND SO NOW SIT DOWN AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE END AND EXPLOTIONS AND DEATH AND NOTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT HAS POSSIBLITY IF IT DOESNT LOSE IT DOESNT FORGET TO TRY TO EXSIST.


I MISS YOU, NICO MIECHOWSKI.
I MISS YOU ON MY BAD DAYS AND MY GOOD DAYS
AND AT NIGHT I CRY BECAUSE I STILL CANT BELIEVE YOU DID WHAT YOU DID TO ME. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I STAYED ON THE PHONE WHILE YOU SAID ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW AND WHO ARE YOU DOING IT WITH AND ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT ME STILL BECAUSE IM THINKING ABOUT YOU AND I'D REALLY LIKE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I THINK IT MIGHT BE CAUSING MY BODY TO STOP WORKING AND IF I DIE BECAUSE I CANT FORGET THAT YOU ARE ALIVE I THINK THAT JUST MIGHT BE ONE MORE THING THAT YOU DID THAT YOU SHOULDNT HAVE DONE AND I GOTTA WONDER WHERE YOU WENT BECAUSE I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN FOREVER AND I'M BEGINING TO THINK THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MY ABLITY TO FEEL OKAY FOR MORE THAN THREE HOURS AT A TIME IN YOUR OTHER PANTS AND MAYBE IF YOU COULD RETURN IT TO ME I COULD START TO FEEL BETTER INSTEAD OF WORSE.

THANK YOU.

-ME

FOUNTAIN jgm (10:29 PM): how was your day?
Sk007R (10:30 PM): weird
FOUNTAINjgm (10:30 PM): oh yea
Sk007R (10:30 PM): tyler surprised me by actually calling me back
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:31 PM): good stuff
Sk007R (10:31 PM): he makes me feel like im some kinda goldfish he checks in on once every two weeks just to make sure im not dead or something
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:31 PM): u must be one skinny gold fish
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:31 PM): only getting fed every 2 weeks
Sk007R (10:31 PM): ha...except he doesnt feed me
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:32 PM): your screwed then
Sk007R (10:32 PM): yea basically
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:33 PM): hey dont worry about it, emily still wont call me back
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:33 PM): lol
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:33 PM): not to worry i think i found a new one
Sk007R (10:34 PM): she should date tyler...their phone habits would be highly complementry
FOUNTAIN jgm (10:34 PM): lol






tiamarie531 (10:37 PM): tell me about your troubles
Sk007R (10:38 PM): i dunno
Sk007R (10:39 PM): i feel used by people
Sk007R (10:39 PM): i just want my bf back
Sk007R (10:40 PM): *whimpers*
tiamarie531 (10:40 PM): which one sweetie
Sk007R (10:40 PM): this is not a conversation i want to have
tiamarie531 (10:41 PM): ska
tiamarie531 (10:41 PM): you are better then them
Sk007R (10:42 PM): i dont care about being better or less than or anything at all i know what i want and everything else doesnt exist
tiamarie531 (10:43 PM): they arent good enough for you
Sk007R (10:44 PM): i don't care

glory days, yeah they'll pass you by - jeff

LETS DO IT AGAIN COMEON LETS DO IT AGAIN ITS LIKE IM SITTING HERE WAITING FOR BIRDS TO SING


Jeff sent me a text message that sounded just like something N would say and i cried before i even got out of bed that was sunday and i miss talking to him and telling him all about my day and my bad stuff and my good stuff and all the stupid stuff inbetween that happens and makes me think of him.


forever and always and death do us part and a part of what because theres nothing under all this pretend something.


ITS RAINING HARD TONIGHT AND LETS HOPE IT KEEPS ON RAINING HARD SO I CAN WATCH THE SKY MIMICK MY INSIDES.

TikkiG87: no, no barfing allowed, my friends usually don't barf
Sk 007 R: uh huh
TikkiG87: and if they do they wank home
Sk 007 R: ....wank?
TikkiG87: yes wank, avert your virgin eyes
Sk 007 R: *Adverts*

Have i mentioned that i have no idea what i'm doing? Because I really don't.

I'm confused about jeff. I obviously like him because it's really hard not to cringe when i hear him say emily's name, and yet at the same time i know i wouldn't want to date him because he only likes people for how much he can use them. Not use them in an evil way, but use them for things: he's impressed by girls that will cook for him and do his laundry and write his papers. Who isn't? But I got really offened by the fact he had to cut at me by telling me emily had agreed to do these things when i said i wouldnt. SHES HIS GF- OF COURSE SHE SHOULD DO THESE THINGS, and thats what i told him, AND HE SHOULDNT BE ASKING ME TO DO THEM, especially FIRST, because it shows he doesnt think very much of me.


But he doesnt know these things because none of us know what we should know by our ages.

I'm tired and i'm in a horrible mood because i am so full of bullshit i cant see straight anymore.

hello sarah kate are you there? I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN FOREVER AND IT'S HARD TO PICTURE YOUR FACE THESE DAYS AND THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE IS HARD TO COME BY- I MISTAKE IT FOR CAR HORNS AND CASUAL CONVERSATION SOMETIMES BECAUSE IM NOT USED TO HEARING IT.


These days are a whole lotta nothing.


"tell sarah kate she's high matainance because of her name" - brent, jeff's roommate.

last night

"Some people did what their neighbors did so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them."
-George Eliot, Middlemarch

The wedding was nice.
I felt completely awkward and barely talked to anyone until the bartender anounced "open bar" at which time i began my campaine to get supreamly drunk.

Two hours (about 1030) and three Long Island iced teas + four glasses of wine later i was numb drunk and chat happy but tyler was ready to leave so we left and went back to his place so i could sober up before i went home. That went well until he lead me from the couch to his bedroom where we began to have really rough sex on his bed -amid the coat hangers and belts and crap- i was so drunk i couldnt feel anything and by the time i was finally getting into it he choose that moment to announce that he was thirsty, at which point he just stopped thrusting, pulled out, and left to get a soda. Cute. When he came back he decided that the best post sex conversation should consist of me, getting birth contorl, obviously. I'm sorry, but who told you that you had a chance in HELL of ever having sex with me again? yea. and then to top it all of my vagina got ripped a little and i bled all over his bed.


yay for intoxication.