"you're too young to get married honey, you should be sleeping around" -Romantica

DPI last night.





Somewhere between 130am and 4am i lost my shoes, lost all sense of time, and madeout with this boy in my car.

for every fear that cant be named.

highschool was a lot of dirty empathy for our own purposes.

AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE STILL THOSE PEOPLE. and i am scared that i am not diffrent by now.

Me? oh, i havent changed that much. In fact i would say that i am still the same person i was in highschool. Can you hear my heart beating? Because i cant. it is still much too faint for all this and everything that is.


I DO NOT WEIGHT ENOUGH FOR THIS.

IMISSIMISSIMISS

When I write I feel empty of energy and feeling and thought like someone put a Band Aid over a gushing wound and stopped the blood from being free to pulse and travel down skin and through hair to some foreign destination that will eventually kill it.

I MISS FORPLAY AND MAKINGOUT WITH YOU FOR THREE HOURS STRAIGHT AND WANTING TO FALL ASLEEP TO THE WAY YOUR HEART FELT AS IT BEAT AGAINST MY SKIN. I miss 3am phone calls and the need to randomly tell someone that i love them because it wont stay inside me any longer.

ladies and gentlemen,

i will now use my legs to leave the country, yet again, just to get away from the fact that i cant remember the sound of his voice anymore.










There are anonymous lights in the sky
like the anonymous lights
that were your eyes
are now deadened
into pure anonymity
by lack of light
and feeling
and thought
because without these things
there is no you
no girl to call you every single night with a voice tinged in love
no memory of all the bullshit that
was once our most special moments
there are boxes of your things surrounding me
even though you never gave me anything
except tears from the first day i met you
that formed inside me and caught me in my throat
like a sudden cold that will soon kill you
all the while you blinded my eyes with your anonymous lights
that were promises to never poison my insides
with thoughtlessness or selfishness
but you forgot this when you dialed my number
and you had never said these words once you began talking
at me not to me about the ways i never let you be
the ways that you were that made me love you
the ways i secretly went home and wrote down under the heading
"reasons why i want to marry this boy"
i wanted to marry the boy that was my accident
did you know i never meant to let that happen
you were such a beautiful mistake
like a line in a movie thrown in to display
the writers sheer self-indulgence of ego
people ask me if i'm angry
but i dont know what angry is
no i'm not angry but my blood is
and it feels like i could steep a nice cup of tea in it
when i hear your name
one year
maybe two
i have no concept of time
but i'm starting to feel myself again
or like i imagine myself to be

What do i have to lose? Nothing.


i wish that was a little more comforting.

THE LAST TIME WE CROSSED
I HELD YOU UNDER
WANTING TO BREATHE
WANTING TO BE
WANTING TO FEEL YOU

I WANT TO FEED YOU BUTTERRUM CANDY
BUT SOMEONES BEAT YOU TO ME


The last time i said anything honest was way too long ago. I miss it, along with all my other lost abilities.