decimation

I actually cried myself sick. I can't eat or sleep and I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up.

He thinks my facebook status is about him, and so he wrote on my wall "Being cute isn't everything, you know?"
to which I replied "I know. Being drunk and angry isn't everything either..."

and he says all he wants is to be nice to me, that he's trying to be nice to me. TRYING. He always tried and never got there. I did get there and was accused of violating him, because I teased about checking his comp. history.

Dan says I shouldn't listen to anything Colin has to say, because Colin hasn't been sober in three weeks and is still angry at me.
I say I need to figured out why I hold onto these relationships that are so bad for me, because I always end up getting hurt. I'm crying over someone who I knew I wasn't going to have a future with, who I was never going to live with- because, to quote him, who would want to live with a guy who couldn't pay rent- or have kids with, but that didn't stop me from secretly hoping it would happen anyway. Or that he would stop yelling at me all the time, and that he wouldn't break up with me for stupid reasons. I wanted the idea of him, but the reality was far too destructive and the relationship was much too one sided.

It's almost like I want people to treat me badly.


a n d I n e e d t o s t o p i t.